123 Ways To Annoy The Hogwarts Staff
by eruthiel
Summary: What it says on the tin. ATTEMPT AT YOUR PERIL. The author will accept no responsability for injury to the reader as a direct result of this fic.


**Many things that are guaranteed to irritate, enrage, frighten, confuse, humiliate and/or annoy the Hogwarts staff. Enjoy.**

**AN: All the below activities are highly dangerous. Attempt them at your peril.**

**Disclaimer: Alright, here we go again. I did not invent, or take any part in the invention of, Harry Potter and/or its characters, **_**original**_** associated objects/creatures/places or anything else even remotely to do with it. PLEASE DON'T SUE ME. Number 77 is by Serethiel. So thank you. Number 92 is based on another fic I forget the name of.**

Send McGonagall a tin of cat food for Christmas

Suggest to Peeves that he hold a Poltergeist party in Filch's room

Tell McGonagall that Crookshanks has been watching her closely over the last few days . . .

Tell Dobby that Harry would love it if he sent cat food up to McGonagall's plate at dinner

Tell Dobby that Harry would love it if he sent crap up to all the staffs' plates at dinner and told them it was black pudding

Tell Flitwick you went on Genes Reunited and found a picture of his grandmother. Show him a photo of Yoda

6b) Show him a photo of Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

(For Dwarfers only) Tell McGonagall you visited a parallel dimension and her other self is a dog

Every time Trelawney speaks yell, "I knew you were going to say that!"

Say you want to re-enact The Lightening Struck Tower, then dig up Dumbledore's body and hire a few Death Eaters

9b) When McGonagall arrives to rant, say, "Oh good, here's Fenrir."

Kill all the House Elves and stick their pickled heads on plaques in the Great Hall

10b) Say you were upholding an ancient tradition

Bring a camcorder to Care Of Magical Creatures and make a documentary

Tell Hat the new criteria for Ravenclaw is 'smart midget'

Tell Hat the new criteria for Slytherin is 'evil and ugly with a long nose'

Send Snape a bottle of 'Smooth and Silky Re-hydrating Anti-Dandruff Shampoo'

Send Snape a bottle of black hair dye with a note saying, 'for when those blonde roots start to show'

Every time Snape walks in say, "Is it just me or does the air feel greasy in here?"

Announce a staff meeting and tell them Umbridge is back . . . and she's not happy

Tell Dumbledore you went on Genes Reunited and found a picture of his grandmother. Show him a photo of Gandalf The White

Tell Snape you went ion Genes Reunited and found a picture of _his_ Grandmother. Show him a photo of Gollum.

19b) Say, "Without the wig, there's a massive resemblance."

Ask Hagrid why he hasn't got a name for the Giant Squid, like 'Squishy,' 'Squiddy' or 'Sushi'

Roll a Niffler in mud and release it into the trophy room right after Filch has finished cleaning

Tell McGonagall you went on Genes Reunited and found a picture of her Grandmother. Show her a photo of Aslan

22b) Show her a photo of the Sphinx in Egypt

22c) Bring in a real, live Sphinx

Yell "Woof woof!" every time you see McGonagall

Tell Snape that the new uniform involves cutting off your left sleeve

Tell Hagrid that Madame Maxime died while bungee jumping

Tell Sprout 'Soilent Greem' is coming true

Tell Sprout the only two pupils who pay attention in her lessons were killed by Voldemort

Tell Sprout you went on Genes Reunited and found a picture of her Grandmother. Show her a photo of – you guessed it – a sprout

Cover Filch in lipstick marks while he sleeps

Ask Hagrid where he keeps his Basalisk

Buy Hagrid a book called 'Edible Rock Cakes and How To Make Them'

31b) Tell him it's only because they'd run out of Chimeras

Ask Snape to sing 'Complicated' at the end of term feast (this is one of my favourite mental images. Go on, picture it, you know you want to)

32b) Ask McGonagall to accompany him on the bagpipes

32c) Ask her to sing 'Don't Stop Me Now' with **all** the actions. Yes, _even_ Lady Gadiver

Ask Professor Vector what the hell Arithmancy is anyway

Ask the Astronomy teacher what their subject has to do with Magic

Sing 'What's New, Pussycat?' every time you see McGonagall

Send McGonagall a ring and a note saying, 'I do, signed Severus Snape'

Ask McGonagall if babies are just cabbages that were transfigured

37b) When she tells you not to be silly, ask, "Where do they really come from, then?"

When McGonagall transfigures a mouse into a sparrow to show you how it's done properly, say, "Don't play with your food!"

Ask Trelawney which path you should take to your seat to avoid mortal peril

Ask Trelawney why, if she can predict the fall and rise of a mass-murderer, she didn't see Umbridge coming

Transform Firenze's classroom into a big inner-city car park

Ask Firenze how he manages to sit at the staff table

Jump on Firenze's back and yell, "Giddyup, Horsey!"

Sing, "Horsey, horsey, don't you stop, just let your feet go clippety-clop!" in Firenze's lessons

Point out that there are 28 classes in the school and only one teacher per subject including divination, and there are only about 224 pupils and there are over a thousand in many Muggle schools and they're titchy compared to Hogwarts

Cast the Dark Mark over the greenhouse when a plant you are meant to be caring for dies

Steal McGonagall's shampoo and after 3 days run away screaming, "AAA! The Gorgon!"

When asked why you haven't done your homework, say the Giant Squid ate it

Say "Greyback got me" and get out of lessons at the full moon

When Hagrid brings a new animal for Care of Magical Creatures, ask him to rate it out of ten for lethal-ness

Ask Madame Pince the way to the children's section

Go to the Restricted Section and transfigure them all into Dr Suess books

Help Snape dye his hair by positioning paint of a colour of your choice over the dungeon door

Steal Snape's hair scissors and after three days run away screaming, "AAAA! Lethifold!"

Hang a sign on Dumbledore's desk saying, 'You don't have to be dead to work here, but it helps!'

55b) Hang a sign saying, 'Gone to afterlife. Back in ten minutes'

Wait under the astronomy tower and when you see Dumbledore's corpse fall, sing 'It's raining men'

Ask Snape where he gets his hair done

Send the astronomy teacher a Milky Way bar with a note saying, 'Study this, there'll be a test'

Burn all your astronomy books because they're invalid since Pluto was demoted to 'big rock'

Sing 'The chances of anything coming from Mars' in astronomy

Take flypaper and insect repellent to Trelawney's lessons

Ask Snape how He Who Must Not Be Named is getting on with the quest for immortality

Point out that Hagrid is getting a bit old for his job and should really be getting a pension by his age (then run for the hills . . .)

Sign Slugworthy up for Weight Watchers

Hold a staff limbo contest, video it and post it on YouTube

Print off the entire internet and hand it in for Muggle studies

Play 'blind man's bluff' with Trelawney and keep yelling, "Use the Inner Eye!"

Adapt HBP for music using only songs from High School Musical

67b) Have a massive grand finale with fireworks over the Dark Mark and dancing Death Eaters

Hold a student poll on 'least sexy teacher'

Tell Snape that you know his plan – by excluding all those but raving lunatics (who will end up Minister for Magic anyway) from his NEWT class, he is ensuring that no Aurors qualify, thus reducing the chances of the Dark Lord being defeated. Dead giveaway

Sue Snape for slander

DON'T go on Genes reunited and show Hagrid a photo of Dwywenda Brainbasher, infamous giant, because she probably WAS his grandmother

Put on a school production of Shrek with teachers as all the main parts

Send Filch a letter saying he has been replaced by his cat

Send Filch a letter saying he has been replaced by Peeves

Cast a spell on Snape so he has to skip everywhere and hand out sweets

Cast a spell on Snape so he has to say, "I want to adopt you," to Harry, "Draco asked me to ask you if you'll marry him," to Hermione, and "I'd like to place an order for some of your brothers' daydream kits," to Ron

Add 'Irma Deatheata' to the new DADA teacher's register

Teach Peeves 'We Know a Song That'll Get on Your Nerves'

Buy McGonagall 'The Best of Jackie' and ask if it brings back girlhood memories

Buy McGonagall 'Walking With Dinosaurs' and ask if _that _brings back memories

Tell Madame Pince that due to lack of funds, the books must be sold

Tell Madame Pince that due to cold weather, the books must be burnt

Tell Filch he is welcome to make all the complaints he likes . . . **without **using the letter 'E'

84b) Tell the other staff that they can watch him, but aren't allowed to laugh

(For Dr Who fans only) Say to Hagrid, "I saw your latest pet in The Lazarus Experiment. You must be so proud!"

Give Hagrid a voucher for an 'Extreme Haircut for the Terminally Hairy'

(For Dr Who fans only) Curse Snape so all he can say is, "I AM A HUMAN DALEK! I AM YOUR FUTURE!"

87b) Change the nameplate on his door so it reads 'Dalek Sec'

Ask Binns where he gets the energy

Take bets on how long the new DADA teacher will last

Launch yourself at the new DADA teacher will last and try to rip their head off, screaming, "You've got Voldemort hidden here somewhere!"

(For Simpsons fans only) Walk into the hospital wing and say, "Hi, Dr Nick!"

Inform Lupin that there will now be seven full moons in a month, appearing at completely random times, and during the day

(For Males only) Flutter your eyelashes adoringly at Lockhart

Pretend to be a pirate in all your lessons

Randomly yell, "The Dark Lord shall rise again!"

_Absolutely insist _that Lupin join you for a midnight party this full moon

Pester Lupin for chocolate

Hide Moody's flask

98b) Completely ignore him when he turns into a homicidal maniac

Pretend to be a ghost, sneak up on Snape and go, "Wooh! I am the ghost of Lily Evans!"

100) Call Snape 'Sev', 'Sevvy' or 'Sevsev'

101) Ask if newts will figure in your NEWTs, and don't forget to mention Newt Scamander

102) Wolf-whistle when Snape walks past

103) Say to Dumbledore every time you see him, "_Grindelwald? __**Really**_"

104) Sing 'Fat-bottomed girls' loudly in Slugworthy's lessons

105) Set them all up with blind dates

106) In the lessons of relevant teachers wear black and when they ask why say, "Oh, it was horrible. Blood everywhere.'

107) Say, "And you die . . . and he dies . . . and _he _dies! And your wife dies."

108) Read aloud from book 7 in lessons

109) Hum constantly

109b) When told to stop it, say you were cursed

110) Pester Snape to say 'obviously' like he did in the film

111) Whenever Snape states something yell, "Then _pppppppprove _it!"

112) Ask Snape what it was like doing the voice-over for part one of the song 'Tubular bells'

113) Ask Madame Hooch what the hell happened to her subject after book one

114) Ask Trelawney for the next lottery numbers

114b) Pretend you won and tell the school to go on a spending spree before revealing you don't have two knuts to rub together

115) Play the sound of a helicopter very loudly and run around screaming, "The Muggles are coming! THE MUGGLES ARE COMING!!"

116) Sing the 'Barney' theme (I love you, you love me, etc.) in Snape's lessons

117) Say to Flitwick, "I bet you can't make it rain penguins! Oh, yeah? Prove it!"

118) Pretend you can only speak Troll

119) Write all your essays in Troll

120) Repeatedly insist that various dead people are out to get you

121) Call Moody a pervert

122) Set fire to your bed curtains and call Dumbledore a bad example

123) Read this list aloud . . . again . . . and again . . . and again . . .


End file.
